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I remember it very vividly: when I was a kid, it really felt there was a threshold between me and the grownups; a curtain, separating me from, presumably, all my hopes, dreams, and desires. I characteristically remember thinking that there would come one day when I would be a grownup. But there is a paradox awaiting there, which I will refer to as the grownup paradox.

The Grownup Paradox Begins by the Absence of Thresholds

The foundation of the grownup paradox is a temporal one. I was waiting to grow up when I was a child, imagining a day in the abstractly defined future where I would be a grownup. But, the thing is, I’m still waiting for that day. Moreover, I suspect it will never come. I imagine myself as an 80 year-old, looking in the mirror, seeing all my wrinkles, thinning white hair, and a bit tired eyes, but still wondering: “Why does it not feel different?”

Perhaps my error had been to assume there would be one day that the change would occur, quasi-magically. It certainly wasn’t my 18th birthday, nor the day I graduated. The grownup paradox is predicated on the subconscious illusion that change and growing up are not gradual. Only of course, they are. This is a bit like our bodies renewing their cells over a period of a few months (if I recall correctly). This lack of proper separation between a “before” and an “after” is inherent in the way we understand time. This is particularly the case when attempting to isolate the present moment.

I am bothered by this fact, that I am not a grownup. It feels as if I’ve gotten the worst deal possible: I have the grownup responsibilities (working, worrying about bills) but not any (or few) of the benefits I imagined adults had. I don’t feel much wiser, I don’t feel stress-free, I don’t feel as if I have contributed anything important. I’ve lost all the advantages of being a child, to boot: I can’t play with other kids (or adults, I’m not picky) at the playground (although, check this out). I can’t shut myself in my room and read comics for hours long. I can’t expect food to be magically served.

Being a Grownup… In Reverse

Someone once said – and I will paraphrase it to the best of my ability – that things would be better if life was in reverse:

We would begin life by…dying, just to get it over with. Then we would spend several years in retirement, being cared for without having to work. We would go to work straight as managers and supervisors. After that, we would spend a few decades growing younger, stronger, and healthier. We would gradually become more beautiful or handsome, until we would be kids again. Then we could play for long, not a worry in the world, snuggling more and more in our mama’s arms. We would then be babies for a while, until we would end our life with an orgasm.

If only!