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Whenever the topic of overprotecting parents and overprotected children pops up in a discussion, I begin with the following story. It’s a scary funny story; to me much more funny than scary, though modern-day parents might be appalled. It’s them in particular that need to read this article.

I must’ve been seven or eight years old. As a kid growing up in the 80s, I had freedom the likes of which is only whispered today, late at night, around the proverbial fire. I walked alone to school since I was six, crossing busy highways, walking next to strangers. My mother wasn’t afraid of someone kidnapping me, or a car running me over. In the summers I went to the countryside, to spend my summer vacation with my grandparents. They loosely kept an eye on me, but I was basically running around free, coming home after dark. Overprotecting parents? What’s that?

One day – I must’ve been ten or eleven years old – I returned to my grandparents’ house after playing outdoors under the scorching sun (no sun protection, no sun glasses, and probably no cap either). I was really thirsty, so I grabbed the bottle of water waiting on the floor next to the fireplace. In fact, I was so thirsty that I didn’t stop to think why would a bottle of water be on the floor. I drank several gulps before I realized something was terribly wrong. Yep, I’d drunk lighting fluid instead, which my grandparents – in their infinite wisdom – kept in an empty water bottle. I saw a clear liquid inside a bottle still having the water brand label, so I drank it. Can you blame me?

I was terrified, but even more so when I heard a neighbor suggesting I should be taken to the hospital. My grandparents agreed that there was no danger – they gave me to drink some milk and olive oil. I threw up a couple of times, but I was fine a few hours later. Every time I belched in the next couple of days, it smelled like teen spirit as if a diesel engine had disintegrated. Once I actually thought to try and see what would happen if I belched over open fire, but apparently some sort of survival instinct was still present, and I didn’t. Ah, fun times… It’s these kinds of experiences and memories that give you something to write about in later years.

Between Underprotecting and Overprotecting Parents, What’s worse?

Let’s face it, this is a false dilemma. Parenthetically, every time someone asks you to choose either this or that, tell them to sod off. Life is complex, and so are our options. But, for the sake of the argument, let’s try to imagine these two are the only choices. After all, if we pretend these are the only options we can determine on the side of which is preferable to err in terms of raising a child properly. And, at least in my book, raising a child properly means to help a child grow up to be a self-relying, emotionally balanced, confident adult. Now, in order to try to decide between these two alternatives, we need to see the dangers involved in each.

Underprotecting Parents

An underprotected child is what I was in the context of the story above. Some adult – if not my parents then my grandparents – ought to have made sure that I wouldn’t be exposed to that kind of danger. Another example of an underprotected child would be, for instance, one allowed to climb on trees. In other words, an underprotecting parent is one that allows a certain risky activity to occur. Notice that underprotection is not the same as neglect. Of course this can be subjective: it depends on the child and the context. It’s one thing to allow a kid to climb a 10-ft tree, and entirely another to let her climb a 100-ft one.

The danger involved in the first occasion (the 10-ft tree in our example) is relatively small. If the child falls, she might be slightly injured and cry. Well, she’ll get over it and be more careful next time. Is there a chance that something worse can happen? Theoretically, yes. But guess what? Life is full of risks you don’t realize or ponder on, precisely because they are insignificant. There is a non-zero chance that, as you walk on the sidewalk, a flower pot will fall on your head and kill you. Does this stop you from walking on the sidewalk? I surely hope not. People tend to overestimate risks and take unwarranted action based on this. Which brings us to…

Overprotecting Parents

An overprotected child would certainly not be allowed to climb on trees. She would not be allowed to play outdoors alone, and definitely not after dark. An overprotecting parent is one who attempts to keep their child away from all activities that entail risk, regardless of how much that is. Probably such parents would tend to overestimate the risk in the first place, and that is the problem in this case. Ironically enough, overprotecting parenting misses the risk involved in itself because it is not readily apparent. What could possibly be wrong in (over)protecting your child, right? Well, it’s not that simple.

The danger involved in such parenting is multi-faceted, and too complex for such parents to properly grasp. If you remember my working definition of raising a child properly, it was to help a child grow up to be a self-relying, emotionally balanced, confident adult. The thing is, all of these elements require experience. They require interaction with one’s self, with others, and with the environment at large. How can you learn anything of the sort if you’re kept in a bubble?

Overprotecting Parenthood is another Sign of Egotism

Selfishness is the catch phrase of the new millennium. It’s all about me, myself, I. Vanity and self-centeredness promote mediocrity for the simple reason that people are less likely to form connections – with other people or their surrounding world – and create meaning. Why bother communicating with others when you’re too busy waiting for their “likes” on your latest photo (depicting you, of course)? What’s the point of learning anything about the history of Athens, when you’re too busy taking selfies in front of the Parthenon? And this is why overprotecting parents seem to be yet another new trend in recent years. Because being overprotecting is directly connected to selfishness, for two major reasons:

• Selfish people make everything about themselves, they think everything is related to them. As a result, they become oversaturated with bad news, disasters, and tabloid stories predicated on feelings rather than facts. Inevitably, their risk-assessment is compromised and they begin to see everything as a threat.
• Self-centered people become overprotecting parents because they see their children not as individuals but as an extension of themselves. This relates to control: overprotecting parents need to control every aspect of their children’s lives, because they believe that it ultimately reflects on themselves.

Sadly, this whole thing is a tangled hierarchy, a self-feeding mechanism: the more people become egotistic, the more likely they are to become overprotecting as parents. And the more overprotected a child is, the more likely s/he is to become an adult that is neither self-reliant nor confident, and that lacks what once was considered basic, fundamental social skills. Or even, just basic empathy.