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No other word must be more misunderstood, misused, and abused than “love”. To an extent it might be a matter of linguistic shortcomings, to another extent it might be an issue of manipulation – perhaps precisely exploiting the linguistic ambiguity of the word. But the fact remains that the word “love” is used too lightly, without any real thought behind its choice. Often it’s used in contexts that appear self-evident, such as “the love of a mother for her child is the greatest love of all”. But can love really be unconditional – and should it? Or would conditional love be in fact the only form of true love?

What Is Unconditional Love?

For now, let’s not delve into whether unconditional love can exist; let’s simply ponder on the repercussions if it did. Unconditional love would mean that a person loves another person regardless of any conditions. Such conditions could be imposed directly (from the second person or someone else) or indirectly (for instance as an implied necessity). Let’s see a couple of examples of what unconditional love would mean, adding some example conditions.

I still love her, even though she doesn’t like chocolate
What can I say, I still love him even though he snores
I admit it: I still love her, even though she hits me
I still love him, even though he left me thirty years ago

As you notice, the examples become increasingly more complex from a psychological perspective. But the self-evident nature of the first couple of cases (only a sociopath would condition their love on dietary preferences) shouldn’t stop you from seeing the crucial element: These sentences are all constructed in the same way.

A person loves another regardless of any conditions. If, then, we begin weighing these conditions in terms of importance, we inevitably reach the shores of conditional love. Furthermore, a perceptive observer would notice the difference between the kind of love expressed in each sentence.

Not to get too technical with semantics, but there is a clear difference between what one conveys with the first example and what they do with the last one. We’ll talk more about this further below. But first, let’s ask the big question: Can conditional love be real?

Is Conditional Love Necessary?

Perhaps human faith in unconditional love is a result of centuries of literature and poetry. Or perhaps, it is a recent thing altogether; a social repercussion of the past few decades. Remember that our great-great-grandfathers didn’t marry for love, and in the 18th century the term “unconditional love” didn’t even exist. Hence, to talk about conditional love feels “wrong”; a betrayal of some sort. But just as we talked about unconditional love, let’s now see the same examples from the perspective of conditional love.

I don’t love her anymore; she never learned to like chocolate
He can’t stop snoring, how can you love someone like that?
I admit it: I lost my love for her, ever since she began hitting me
I stopped loving him long time ago, it’s been thirty years since he left me

Compared to the other examples, further above, you surely notice a reversal. Now it’s the first couple of sentences that appear odd and cruel. Conversely, the latter two not only seem reasonable, but even necessary outcomes for anyone with an iota of self-esteem. And now we’re getting to the crux of the matter.

Love Is not the Same as Dependence

I began this article by pointing out the ambiguous meanings of the word “love”, and how it is often used in lieu of some other word. Sometimes people say “I still love him” when they actually mean “I’m too scared to leave him”. Some usual culprits that are covered behind love are “lust”, “desire”, “admiration”, “empathy”, “affinity”, “respect”, “dependence”, and a lot more others.

I would like to focus on the last one, because it forms a major part of the misunderstanding. In most cases when you hear people talking about “unconditional love”, what they truly mean is dependency.

Let me make you feel uncomfortable (hey, it’s a writer’s job), and ask you to recall your childhood. Remember those nightmares you had, that you’d gone home and your family had vanished: some stranger opened the door, and told you that your folks were gone. Or those times that your mama read you a story, kissed your forehead, and turned off the light.

Before falling asleep you were gripped by horror in the thought that your mama could one day die. Nothing felt worse than that, nothing. And in that moment, you realized how much you loved your mama. But did you, really? Or was it something else, like dependency – perhaps to be substituted in later years by respect or admiration?

Equality: Or, Why Conditional Love Is the Only True Love

The importance of realizing the trap of dependency is crucial in understanding conditional love. At this point, I would like to present the following grand argument:

Only conditional love between equals can be true love

If two people aren’t equal, they are in a relationship based on dependency. If you’re staying in a relationship because you’re too scared to leave (for whatever reason), how could this ever be true love? You can’t pick your mother, and you can’t pick your siblings. You “love” them because you grew up into a situation. How can it be true love if it is born out of necessity?

Ironically, “unconditional love” in this context is really a weasel word for “I don’t have a choice”. Compare that to the conditional love between equals: “From all the people in the world, I chose to be with you”