May 20, 2019
Impostor Syndrome and Writers
Let’s talk about impostor syndrome and writers. I could here give you a quick definition of what impostor syndrome is (chances are you know already), but let’s start with some personal revelations first. This will take a while to build up, but hopefully your patience will be worth it.
So, here goes…
A List of Flawed Excellence
I’ve written over twenty novels. I’ve published several of them. One of my works is also published traditionally, by a respected publishing house.
I’ve put together the blog you’re reading (containing hundreds of posts). I’ve published a guide on writing better fiction.
I have a PhD in English literature from a fine Finnish university. I also have an MA from the same university, graded laudatur. If you check how academic grading works in Finland, you’ll discover that, at the university level, laudatur “is often reserved for exceptional students and it is typically awarded for a thesis only once in 5 to 10 years.”
I know how to program in HTML/CSS/JavaScript, and I have some limited knowledge of Python and PHP. I have published a few Android apps.
Besides English, I can speak Greek (at a native level) and Finnish – arguably two of the most difficult European languages. I have some basic knowledge of Italian and some very limited knowledge of Japanese.
On top of that, I play guitar/bass and a bit of piano. I have composed some songs, some shared online.
I’ve worked as a professional photographer. I’ve won some local photography awards, too.
I’m a very good chess player.
I have a bit of flying time on a Cessna C172.
New achievement: I can solve the Rubik’s cube in under a minute 😛
What else…
Oh yeah… A day doesn’t pass without me doubting myself and my skills, thinking that any minute now the entire surrounding world will consume me with laughter and taunting.
Impostor Syndrome and Writers: or, how to Kill Your Creativity
Many people far wiser than me have described the key issue of the impostor syndrome. My favorite one is Bertrand Russell’s take on stupidity:
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bertrand Russell
This creates a very vicious loop. Perhaps, indeed, an infinite loop. No wonder some of history’s greatest thinkers have been so pessimistic.
There is an inherent flaw quality aspect in critically approaching one’s self or one’s own work: you cannot improve yourself without sufficient self-criticism, and you cannot improve yourself with excessive self-criticism.
The Desert Island Paradigm
This would’ve been enough of a problem without any outside influences. Let’s assume, in a fanciful scenario, that you are completely disconnected from the outside world spatially (think: desert island), and even yourself temporally. Let’s assume, that is, that you live in an eternal now.
You are away from people, media, any kind of outside influence. Furthermore, no past can bring with it any trauma, no future can bring with it any anxiety.
Could you know – really know – whether something you do or think, a plan, a contraption, or some artistic creation of yours, really is “good” (whatever that would mean in the context)?
The answer must be, if not “no,” then certainly “with great difficulty”. The reason is, paradoxically enough, that you cannot critically approach yourself without having a connection to your environment (and a temporal connection to yourself).
How can you tell if your art is getting “better” (again, whatever that would mean) without a reference point?
Losing the Balance of Self-criticism
The trick of the impostor syndrome is its sneaky ability to masquerade itself as necessary self-criticism, while in actual fact it often becomes excessive self-criticism.
The viciousness of this cycle lies in the fact that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. An author plagued by the impostor syndrome cannot be productive, or at least not as productive as s/he could be. But of course this only exacerbates the problem, as it forces the writer to feel even more critical of him/herself.
The damage of the impostor syndrome for a writer is that it introduces a feedback loop.
Impostor Syndrome and Writers: How to Escape the Feedback Loop
First of all, let’s clarify something. I make no claim of offering solutions. I would be either a liar or a hypocrite to claim that after the introduction of this post.
Having said that, I think the reason the impostor syndrome doesn’t (I think!) affect my writing, is because… I don’t care.
I don’t care what others (here defined as a general, impersonal audience) think about my art. What concerns me is what I think about my art. And (again, I think) I have the experience and expertise to be able to approach my writing from an objective perspective.
Would things be different if I actually cared about sales, marketing, and audience reception? I’m not sure. Perhaps so. At the very least, I think this might be the reason that Joe/Jane Author struggles a lot with impostor syndrome. It’s harder to regurgitate excessive self-criticism if you ignore what others say.
So, Is Nihilism an Answer?
I don’t know what made me throw the, well, N-word. Nihilism can be an answer to many things, so why not also to the troubles the impostor syndrome brings to writers…
More realistically, I think that for most authors the answer would be what I could refer to as “soft nihilism”. Yes, sales and audience reception matter. No, you shouldn’t care.
Ultimately, what this means (I think!) is that you should do the work but ignore the signals; care about doing what you feel you must, but not about the results.
As I said earlier, there’s something deeply paradoxical about self-criticism. This can be seen here, too. How on earth can you not care about the results if that’s what’s guiding your hand?
Well… In this slightly stream-of-consciousness kind of post, I can only finish with the lyrics of a song I’m listening to right now:
Live only in the moment, let go of all tomorrows.
For life is all but a vest, deflating slowly.
One Comment
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I love the research that led to the Dunning-Kruger syndrome, research and conclusions. It explains so much.
I’ve given up worrying about being an impostor. I have enough reviews from people who understand my kind of fiction, and are waiting for the rest of this trilogy, and have given me the gift of telling me how it hit them, so that I know I’m not the only one in this particular boat. Since I started writing for myself, the ‘book you want to read,’ and haven’t wavered in my purpose since 2000, I know exactly where I’m going and what I’m doing, for me.
The majority of the reading world may not get what I’m doing, which surprises me, because it’s not experimental or ambiguous, just complex and interconnected, but life has taken odd turns in the last couple of years in more than one area. I’m just grateful I did find some readers, because the ones who don’t get it leave scathing reviews with no details. I think getting that reaction is actually a plus.
Impostor syndrome can be false modesty. There is no book written which is universally acclaimed.